Leaving Brazil feels incredibly anti-climatic.
Usually, when I leave a place where I've lived, I obsess about it, counting down the days and thinking, "This is the last time I'll go here," or "This is the last time I'll do this." But this time, I feel like every day is just another day. I do, however, find myself running my eyes over everything, like you'd run your hand along a fence or along a smooth surface.
Every time I tell someone I'm leaving, they ask three questions: You don't like it here? When do you go back? Why are you leaving? ...to which I respond No, I do like it here, in a few days, because I have to. Every time, without fail, the second question actually means "When are you coming back to Brazil?" rather than "When are you going home?" and when they clarify, I shrug. I have no idea.
I spent my last full day in Rio in my neighborhood, running errands, and it was as if everything conspired against me to remind me just how much I would miss the day-to-day drama of the city: a gay guy dressed in army fatigues hopping around and singing loudly and slightly off key outside of a new store, guys running down the street to the supermarket with half a cow carcass on their shoulders, a guy wheeling himself in a wheelchair in the middle of traffic because the sidewalk is too narrow, a manhole missing its cover on a major street, causing people to peer down into it and comment, "Olha que perigo!"
It feels odd to walk around, seeing the same things I see every day and know that soon, I will be on practically a different planet. The things I've gotten used to and the things I love will soon be far away. It doesn't feel real.
To be continued: the journey home.
Hunny, where do you live? Your neighborhood in Rio is certainly very very different from mine, hahaha. Is it in zona sul? It seems fun in a freaky way though.
Posted by: Lia | May 02, 2009 at 03:46 AM
I live in Rio too btw. Just to clarify. I just don't usually see that many odd things around me, haha.
Posted by: Lia | May 02, 2009 at 03:48 AM
The same thing happened when I left Fortaleza for New York. I was plagued by the "When are you coming back" questions, and the same thing happens every time
I visit --- which will happen next week
Posted by: Ernest Barteldes | May 02, 2009 at 10:45 AM
These last days must be bittersweet to you. I really don't have anything intelligent to say, just that I can imagine how you're feeling, since I moved from my homecountry (Finland) to Spain (permanently) 5 years ago and still have very fresh in the mind the mixed feelings that such a big change brings around. ánimo :)
Posted by: Hanna | May 02, 2009 at 12:26 PM
Are you sad? Now, I am kinda freaking out that I am leaving L.A. We are doing so the opposite thing but I am sure it kinda feels the same... I am going from Los Angeles (more like Rio) and going to Sao Paulo (more like NY). I have a huge list of things I want to do before July comes but I am sure I won't be able to do everything... especially in this economy. Blah!!!! I would stay here if I could but I can't. I have to go back home and start my career and my life and I am sure it's the same for you. So, good luck in NY and I am sure you will be fine... NY is amazing anyway!!!!!!! I am more worried about me hahaha Sao Paulo is such a difficult city to live. I love it and hate it at the same time.
Anyway... have a safe trip! And keep posting cuz I really like your blog.
Beijos
Raiane
Posted by: Raiane Amorim | May 02, 2009 at 01:23 PM
The trick (at least what's always worked for me) is to never miss the place I'm NOT. When I need to make a move, for whatever reason, I'm always feeling down about how much I'll miss the place I am. But when I get to where I'm going, that changes. Then I start thinking about how much I'll miss THAT place when I leave it.
(See? Didn't have to use "saudades" once - though it'd definitely be the hip, wise gringo thing to do.)
Have a good trip Rachel and hope to see you back here soon.
Posted by: Thaddeus Blanchette | May 02, 2009 at 06:43 PM
"When are you coming back" is a question people never stop asking. I've been in Canada for almost 2 years now, and every time I talk to my friends in Brazil they make me that question. It seems that they don't believe me when I say that I'm not coming back.
Here in Canada local people ask me the same "When are you coming back to Brazil on vacation?".
Posted by: jeanne | May 03, 2009 at 08:16 PM
I've already seen the bouncing gay guy in Voluntários da Pátria. Downright bizarre... I wouldn't be shocked if I had seen him doing it in Copacabana, where anything is possible.
Posted by: Carla | May 04, 2009 at 03:17 PM
so you're not going back to Rio this time? or is this just another "break" ?
Posted by: mallory elise | May 04, 2009 at 05:52 PM
Hey Rachel, I don`t know if you remember me... the first time I accessed your blog was while I was living in Australia in the beginning of last year. I am Carioca btw.
Well after living 2 years in Australia I moved to Brazil with my Australian husband in June 2008, we both got jobs, rent an apartment, we were all settled... we would stay here for a while, but... Now, after one year here, we decided to go back to live in Australia. Brazil is an amazing country but one thing is spend a few days here - another very different is to LIVE here.
Unfortunately Rio is not a friendly city. Yes, that's true. Too crowded, too expensive, not many work opportunities, way too many favelas... With almost 30 years old, I started to think about building something, buying a house, having a family, but here is way too expensive for that. So I understand how you feel now... but truly? Maybe that is the best decision. It is getting harder and harder to have a decent life in Rio. Or you make a lot of money, or you will have a hard life - nothing ion between. And NY is pretty close, you can visit Rio many times in the future...
But Rio, for me, is like that old saying "Por fora, bela viola. Por dentro, pão bolorento"
My 2 cents :-)
Good luck on your next steps!
Posted by: Vera | May 07, 2009 at 05:18 PM