Top Ten Reasons You Shouldn't Visit Rio de Janeiro

10. You just hate natural beauty. Mountains, ocean, beaches, forests, palm trees, tropical flowers. Not your thing.

9. You like cold weather. It gets really hot here in the summer, though it is very lovely in the winter. But you won't find snow or skiing here.

8. You dislike attractive people. Thongs on hot women?? Chiseled men in Speedos? Gisele and Rodrigo Santoro? So not for you? Rio's not the place for you, my friend.

7.  You don't like to visit countries that don't speak English. Portuguese is the official language here, though some people in tourism speak English. If other languages intimidate you, Brazil probably isn't the place to go.

6. Your religion prohibits you from drinking alcohol and dancing. Caipirinhas, cachaca, countless types of beer, drinques. Samba, lambada, forro. Rio is sacrilege for some.

5. You think that Rio de Janeiro is the Amazon, complete with jungle safaris and anacondas and piranhas. Here, there are some beautiful forests, complete with some monkeys and parrots, but Rio de Janeiro is hundreds and hundreds of miles from the Amazon.

4. You're interested in doing some arms dealing. Thanks to thousands of American, European, and Middle Eastern-made weapons that enter Rio each year, violent crime continues to be a big problem.

3. You enjoy prostitution and are seeking the services of Brazilian hookers. Stay at home, perv. There's enough HIV here already, thanks.

2. You do drugs and plan on buying and taking some here, namely marijuana and cocaine. The drug trade fuels the violence in Rio, so your purchasing drugs perpetuates the violence that plagues our beautiful city. Stay out, we don't want you here.

1. You're afraid. If you're intimidated by this city, you might as well go nowhere, since you run risks traveling to any country, or even to your local mall. So stay at home and watch some reruns and be lame.